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A Letter to J.J. Abrams

April 20th, 2015

Dear Mr. Abrams,

You’ve released a kickass trailer for the new Star Wars movie you’re making. Now please let suggest this: hire me as your bull$@@@ detector. I could have saved Mr. Lucas a lot of headaches and fan fury. Sir, for all our benefit, let me help you to not ruin the goodwill you have produced so far.

I guarantee there are scenes in the new movie that need a second look, and I’m the one for the job. I’ll give you the straight poop. Tempted to add an Ewok or a Gungun to the story? I’ll nip it in the bud. Tempted to use lines of dialogue stolen straight from the original trilogy? I’ll steer you away. Tempted to make a whinny 9-year-old the central character and then try to convince your audience that a romance between a teenage queen and the aforementioned whinny 9-year-old is realistic? I will politely slap you back to sanity. Let’s make this movie worth the wait, together.

I shall await your inevitable acceptance of this offer.



Jon Sprunk

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